I love crime investigation shows. If there’s a mystery to be solved and a group of investigators with special talents to solve the crime, I’m hooked. I love the ridiculous train of thought the characters follow to prosecute the accused and how that is the exact opposite of how real crime scene investigation works. Oh look! There are 100 thumb prints on the vic’s front door handle. Three of them are from a delivery man. He must have been stalking the victim. Better yet! Clearly there was an extramarital affair taking place! LET’S CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE AND GET THIS MURDERER!
Come on. We all know how that’s all of these shows are, and yet, we still tune in every week. Something about the unique personalities and special talents make you forget there is almost no legal or practical backing to their practices.
However, I wonder: if the shows had to compete for the cases, how would that pan out?
Scenario: an unnamed woman was found unconscious and left for dead in a ditch on the east coast. She’s now in the hospital hooked up to 19889er524 machines.
Enter SVU Detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler.
Elliot Stabler: What happened to the vic?
Olivia Benson: She was dumped on the side of the road left for dead. We’re waiting to hear from the doctors to see if there is any evidence of sexual trauma.
Enter CSI Miami’s Lieutenant Horatio Caine.
Horatio Caine: How can you two just sit here when there’s a helpless victim lying in our presence?
We need to bring to bring this man to justice!
For her, for us, for everyone….
Elliot Stabler: Watch it, Horatio! I have three daughters ya know, and I thank God every day I do what I do to protect them from monsters like this! You don’t even—
Enter Senior Field Agent LL Cool J.
LL Cool J C: Uh guys? You should probably quiet it down. We already know she’s linked to NCIS because she had a wristband with an anchor on it, so we’ve got this covered.
Olivia Benson: You’ve got this covered? Let me tell you a story. I’m the product of rape, and I know who has got this covered.
Horatio Caine: Listen to me, whatever-your-name-is-and-people-only-know-you-by-LL-Cool-J. It doesn’t matter that this victim was associated with the Navy. She has a butterfly tattoo on her ankle, which clearly makes her a victim of a suspected serial killer in Miami. I hold jurisdiction here.
LL Cool J: Take off those pathetic sunglasses and talk to me like a real man before I come over there and make you take them off.
Enter New York Police Commissioner Commissioner Frank Reagan.
Frank Reagan: Gentlemen. Lady. “You don’t lead by hitting people over the head–that’s assault, not leadership.” Do you know who said that? One of our own: Dwight D. Eisenhower. So let’s start acting like leaders and get this done together.
Olivia, you run the ballistics report on the shell casings you found at the crime scene.
LL Cool J character whose name nobody knows, you check for fingerprints in obscure places around the crime scene.
Elliot, you go take some anger management classes.
Horatio, you try to learn how to stand without your hands on your hips.
I’m going to go drink some scotch whiskey and have a deep conversation with my family.
Enter Dr. Spencer Reid of the Behavioral Analysis Unit.
Spencer Reid: You know, the whisky in ‘Scotch Whisky’ is actually spelled without an ‘e’. People always seem to get that wrong. I heard there was a serial killer suspected, so I thought I’d bring in reinforcements.
Olivia Benson: There is no serial killer! Horatio is going off the fact that this girl has a butterfly tattoo on her ankle as the killer’s MO! I have a butterfly tattoo on my ankle. You probably do, kid! It’s not a link!
Spencer Reid: Because it’s a butterfly, the killer probably has some sort of connection to nature. Maybe someone from the northwest United States. Hey! I don’t have a–
Enter Robert Goren.
Robert Goren: I heard there’s a VICTIM here! WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT?! Do you know what I do to people who hurt women? I bash their heads in!
Elliot Stabler: This could be my kind of guy!
Spencer Reid: You know, this kind of anger makes me think you have an underlying tension that surfaces when feeling helpless. With aggressive behavior like that, you yourself could find yourself in a state of rage and even violence that suggests possible physical abuse as a child. This probably isn’t the best time for me to bring this up, Goren, but SVU has got this covered. No criminal intent necessary.
Robert Goren: I really am useless! No one even likes Law an Order: CI.
Elliot Stabler: That’s right. Now get your punk ass out of here.
Enter Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Now, y’all, how am I suppose’ to solve a case with no drawer full of chocolate, a crying detective, and no evidence? All you’ve got yourselves is a victim! Please tell me how am I supposed to work in these conditions?
Horatio Caine: You know, I’m beginning to sense that the victim was attacked on a Tuesday because her eyes are green not because of her tattoo. These are very relevant pieces of information.
Enter Harvey Specter.
Harvey Specter: That’s enough of that, Horatio. Come on, no one takes you seriously with your red hair and those sunglasses. And you string together irrelevant facts to force a fictional motive on some poor sap and to solve cases.
Horatio Caine: That may be, Mr. Spector. But tell me this: is a fact really ever irrelevant?
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Uhh, thank you for that darlin’ question, Mr. Caine. But I really do need to get going. Everything you say makes no sense ‘tall and I just cannot work in a setting where there is no chocolate!
LL Cool J: I’ll give you a ride, Brenda. With Harvey here, I can take off. No need for so much overpowering sexual appeal for an audience with only two women. Hettie’s waiting for me out back with a fighter jet.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Ya know, I might stick around to see what kind of show Harvey will put on—I mean what kind of case! How he’ll work on it! The way we’ll get it done—the case! Aww shoot. Is there really no chocolate here?
Frank Reagan: Now that we have established you’re all staying here and taking orders from the commissioner, this is the plan:
Olivia, Elliot, get on the ballistics.
Spencer, you come up with a more accurate profile on the killer.
LL Cool J and Brenda, you analyze the crime scene.
Harvey, you and your minion, who must be somewhere around here, go through the witness statements and find any gaps in her boyfriend’s story.
Harvey Specter: This broad has a boyfriend? How do we know he’s involved?
“The boyfriend is always involved!” they yell.
Enter Mike Ross.
Mike Ross: Come on, oh great Harvey Specter. Even I know that.
Harvey Specter: Fine. But Mike’s doing the reading. I’m going to draw up the boyfriend’s defense. I can prove he’s innocent.
Horatio Caine: Now tell me, it is because the victim had brunette hair? I suspect her boyfriend feigned a romance to get closer to a brunette before leaving her for dead.
Olivia Benson: Good grief. I’d rather sit through one of Elliot’s intimidation investigations than bare through another on of Horatio’s questions.
Harvey Specter: Commissioner, I can prove he’s innocent because that’s what I do. With my whit and charm, I can solve any case and prove the original suspect is never the one to blame. But for the love of God, make this ginger stop talking to me. My IQ is dropping by the minute. Spencer, do you have any points to spare me here?
Enter Patrick Jane.
Patrick Jane: Sorry I’m late. I was busy people watching in the subway station. I always get distracted. But based on the clothes she was wearing, she must have been working as a waitress before she was abducted and abused. There is a stain on her shirt which suggests some sort of an altercation took place before the end of her shift. Perhaps it’s the reason she was left for dead.
Frank Reagan: Patrick, you analyze the clothes. It is my job to protect the people of New York. With the help of my glorious mustache, we can bring justice to this victim.
Robert Gorem: VIIIICTIIIIIMMM!!!!! I’LL KILL THE PERP WHO DID THIS TO HER!!!
LL Cool J: Okay, RG. We need to get you some anxiety medicine. Let’s find out who did this to baby girl and get her home safe.
Mike Ross: I’m down. Maybe she has a sister?
Harvey: In your dreams, Ross. Get to reading.
As the lawyers, crime scene investigators, mentalist, Naval investigative service personnel, wanna be lawyer with a photographic memory, BAU profiler, deputy chief, and commissioner depart, there are two hushed tones in the distance…
Enter Jessica Fletcher.
Jessica Fletcher: You know back in my day we didn’t have any of this new-fangled technology to solve our cases for us. I swear these absurd tools just cause more trouble than harm.
Enter Ben Matlock.
Ben Matlock: I’ve said this before, trouble is a two way street. If they would have opened their eyes instead of forcing a case together, they’d realize their Jane Doe is awake. Jessica, why don’t you fix her a cup of tea, and we’ll get to the bottom of this the old fashioned way….
And that’s just what they did. Jane Doe’s green eyes, anchor wrist band, butterfly tattoo, and spilled drink from lunch had nothing to do with her attempted murder. Through a conversation with the woman, Matlock and Jennifer discovered it was, of course, the boyfriend.